90's Cell Phone French Diaper Guy & Other Weirdos

 Anyone that has been online for more than five minutes knows the interwebs has a lot of weird/ gross shit. It seems like there is a place that caters to every fetish, no matter how odd, online. People of all persuasions can find their heart's desire. Cool, bro.

Except a lot of those odd kinks end up in my inbox.

Some dudes just wanna be mistreated... In hind sight, this one seems almost tempting ;)

Whatever tickles your pickle...

Others are into feet...

Is the Doritos thing a reference to foot odor?
(shudder)

Granted, as entertaining as these are for the blog, some of these dudes go above and beyond in terms of persistence, creepiness, and the general ick-factor.

Case in point, 90's Cell Phone French Diaper Guy. I posted the first message he ever sent me a few months ago on my FB.

Great laughs were had. 

But as the months have gone by, he persisted. Sadly, I don't have all the screenshots because some of them came before I committed to the idea of blogging this stuff, so you are just gonna have to take my word for it.

At least once or twice a month, this guy would message me from a new account, sometimes on OKCupid, sometimes on Tinder. Every time, the account would get deleted within a day or two, obviously because he was propositioning multiple women at a time.

Me? I have a more of a live and let live, benevolent attitude. I only reported him this one time when he got aggressive.

Well that escalated quickly...

Regardless, when he messaged me again, last night, I decided to try a different approach. Instead of ignoring him, telling him off, or getting him booted off the site, I decided to be more proactive.

Naturally, I googled.

Aw, no super awesome 90's cell phone :(

This is where I sent him:

Great, now Big Brother probably thinks I am into this kinda action. Oh well...
(PS don't mind my cluttered desktop.)

His reaction was better than I expected.  Hopefully I sent him on his merry way...

It's nice to be appreciated. 

Granted, at first I think he got excited because he assumed that since I was directing him to the site that I might be a member... But he backed off nicely. His account has not been deleted yet, so maybe he stopped bothering women and went to the site that caters to his particular brand of kink. Hopefully, he finds that fun loving fecal and diaper-playing woman he has been searching for all these months and they will be able to enjoy a lovely relationship full of golden showers, soiled undergarments, and other things I dare not imagine. 

But if he doesn't and he contacts me again, I'll be sure to keep y'all in the loop.

Any suggestions as to the next line of attack, should he return, are welcome in the comments. 

Let's make Douche Shaming a thing!

It's no secret that, throughout most of my life, I have been a big girl. Naturally, this occasionally attracts messages from dudes looking to call a bitch fat. Being a girl with thick skin (pun intended), I don't usually pay any mind to that kind of hate mail.

Fat shaming is one of the last acceptable forms of bigotry. People think it is okay to put someone down and veil it with, "it's for their own good."  I know, thin women are often also bullied, which is also unacceptable. All forms of body shaming are wrong! We must love and accept ourselves and others no matter how big or small the person in question may be. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, but sadly, so does ugliness.

Last night, I got a particularly surprising batch of nonsensical hate from a dude. This message, which I found particularly offensive,  wasn't even directed toward me. This blows my mind because, although I am at the smallest I have been in over 20 years, and no longer in the plus sizes,  I am by no means, considered thin.

This dude, started off with a question I get often about a picture of me from a visit to a film processing plant, where I was photographed next to some vintage antique movie cameras. It was just a standard conversation starter.

It started off okay. 

But then it went seriously sour...

Wait, what?

 In all my years on these websites, I had NEVER come across someone who wanted to profile bash another woman.  WTF did he think I was going to say? Were we supposed to bond over this? Was he baiting me? This is a whole new batch of hate mongering. My mind has been blown.

Who the fuck does this guy think he is?

Seriously, this guy thinks he's Superman. He even mentions it on his profile in true homoerotic fashion.

I made his t-shirt better. 

 My reply...

I tried to keep things civil.

He didn't respond, like the meat head he is. 

Seriously though, fuck this dude! He is so full of himself, he posted the douchiest of pictures I have EVER seen... Douchier than any and every shirtless selfie, bathroom or workout pic.

This asshat posted a 3D picture of himself on his profile. Sadly, I noticed it after I responded... but here it is, in all its glory, for everyone to see.

I couldn't make this shit up!

If he responds, I will respond and update accordingly. 

Until then, for those of you who have an OKCupid profile and are looking to get into the fun, happy trolling! ;)

You DTF?

So, obviously there are a ton of people looking online for hookups. Great for them. I am not judging. We all have our preferences and a scratch to itch from time to time. It's just not what I am looking to find these days. On my profiles, I clearly state that I am not looking for hookups, booty calls, or one night stands.

This, of course, is seen as a challenge to some... that's if they even bother to read ;)

You know what bothers me more than the DTF? Missing punctuation. It makes my brain hurt :/

If by blunt he means stupid...

Also, in case you didn't know what DTF stands for... (you're welcome)

I'd like to formally thank the cast of The Jersey Shore for bringing DTF into the modern day lexicon.

Over the course of a couple of days, all of this next guys worst traits came out.

1. "U can come to me if ud like." Lazy, both in typing full words and requesting delivery of pussy. Uh, no.
2. If you are bragging about it being "huge" it probably isn't.
3. Let it go, dude. 
4. "I'm only messing with ya." So he is taking it back? Either quit, apologize, or own it. Don't flip flop.  

Actually, size matters a lot, but I still gotta like the dude before that becomes a factor.

In case no means yes...

Reading comprehension FAIL! 

Side rant: I get messages from kids half my age on a daily basis. No amount of filters stops it completely. They find their way around. Which poses a question... Why are there 18 year olds on dating websites anyway? How are they going to learn the nuances of getting rejected in person if they exclusively meet people online? When I came of age, I had to go out to parties or be social. These kids sit online all day playing WOW or COD, eat shit on Instagram and tag each other for likes/ interest and never seem to disconnect. I fear for the next generation. We are breeding people with very stunted and limited social skills.  DAMMIT INTERNET! 

Also, this being South Florida, I get a ton of foreigners.  

This guy reminds me of the foreign guy in the movie, Can't Hardly Wait...
except he knows exactly what he is saying.


"Would you like to touch my penis?"
 
(I do not own this clip, obvs.)

Some guys just need to be sent along their merry way...

He went straight to the point. So did I. 

That's it for this evening... Follow the blog, share it, love it, pop the comment cherry! Stay tuned :)

It's the Tits! Part 2

 In case you missed the first part of this post (for what I suspect will be an ongoing series in my blog), I get a lot of messages regarding my breasts. It boggles my mind how total strangers seem to lose their sense of acceptable conversation starters and comment freely on them to break the ice.  It got to be such a frequent occurrence that I had to put a disclaimer on my profile. Some men react to it with hostility. Others completely ignore it.

Once again, the disclaimer, for your reference.

Some decide to get to the point:

Someone needs to tell this guy referring to a lady's boobs is not a well-mannered trait.

Sometimes they wait until they get my number to bring it up... swoon!

Some love them so much, it brings out the nurturer in them ;)

"Big naturals."

He should have become a nurse.

I honestly didn't see that reaction coming. I figured once I mentioned bloody gauze and oral surgery, he would head for the hills. But no, he wanted to barter "that sexy body" in exchange for his "help." He needs a Nobel Prize in recognition of his selfless humanitarian efforts!


This last guy get's straight to the point but does not at all like me doing the same,  LOL!

Praise the Lord,  a godly man!

I call them as I see them...

So what he is saying is that I am using what I was "blessed with" in a sinful manner? 

'Til next time! I will keep y'all abreast of any further developments. (Yup, I did it again, LOL!)

Please comment and let me know how I am doing :) Subscribe, share, gimme all your love!

It's the Tits!

So, any girl with nipples knows that boys are OBSESSED with boobs... Big ones, little ones,  fake ones, real ones,  those memes of butt cheeks smooshed together to look like cleavage... all boobs are good boobs to them (as they should be, really). Now, being on the large side of the boob spectrum,  I get a lot of comments about them, both online and in real life. Generally speaking, if the comment comes from a friend, loved one, or partner and are good natured, I am all for it.  They are fabulous, after all ;)

Online, however, the comments from dudes are on a whole other level. Once again, because they are hiding behind their computers, some men feel their duty is to send crude messages to total strangers. Now, I get that I show some cleavage, but so what? Am I supposed to wear mumu's and turtlenecks 24/7 in the soul crushing heat and humidity of Miami just to cover up my dirty pillows? Fuck that shit, dude!

At some point, it got to be such a frequent occurrence that I added a disclaimer to the top of my profile.

I even put a smiley face at the end. What's so man-sex-hating about that?

Now, I don't think it comes across as hostile or frigid as some men seem to interpret it as, but their reactions or complete disregard for my obvious request that they stop being crass are pretty priceless.

Zing! 

Or this guy, exemplifying one of the main reasons I usually don't date the typical Miami douche.  The macho latino "she was asking for it" dismissive attitude. That because I am not hiding away my body in shame, clearly he has the right to comment or that men should be excused because I "show it off." 

Careful there, your misogyny is showing!

Apparently, I have man-problems.

Or this go-getter, who, after not receiving a reply to his super original and verbose introduction, thought that maybe referring to the beauty of my boobs would get me to answer.

Pingolo is a euphemism for penis in Brazil! 

(You're welcome.)

This post is long enough... Part 2 to follow soon, probably later today :)  Ta-ta! (See what I did there? :) Tee-hee)

It's always been his fantasy...

Not much to say here, his fetishizing didn't even merit a response. 

Eye roll. When will they learn that if they talk a good game, maybe stroke our egos a bit, and treat a lady with respect, the titties and ass will come without them having to be stupid about it?

Just the pictures on the Tumblr

The First Post... Finally.

So... since this is the first entry, I will assume most of you know me... but for those who don't...

I am a single 30-something woman trying to navigate the dating waters in Miami, FL (AKA where all illusions of romance go to die).  I spent most of my twenties dating a dude. Ours was a crazy young love full of semi bad decisions, parties, goth clubs, booze, and sexual experimentation. 

Fast forward through 7 years of happiness, wasting time and avoiding issues to about 3 years of not-so-much-happiness where we grew up and apart, and eventually over, for many reasons I won't get into. No regrets :)

In the time since the demise of my LTR, I had also decided to try and get my shit together. I went back to school after finding myself ridiculously unemployed, with no major marketable skill set. Meanwhile, the dreaded 30's were upon me. My social circles were (and still pretty much are) comprised of 30-somethings getting engaged, married, and having babies. Not exactly the deep dating pool I was expecting to jump into. 

So what was a single girl to do? I was never the type to be approached by men, conventionally, anyway. I was always the funny fat chick, the best friend, one of the guys. After about a decade off the market, I didn't know the first thing about meeting dudes. Naturally, I ended up online dating.  

That first year, I went out on several awkward first dates a week. I put myself out there and dated like a champ. Mostly, I was really just going through the motions. I dated douchebags. I dated boring guys. I dated hot Argentinians. I dated a hero cop that got shot several times and ended up on all the local news channels (it's ok, he totally recovered). I got my heart way broken within the first year by someone I had called a friend for about a decade (but that is a story for another day... then again, maybe not. Fuck that dude!). I've had lots of men try to get in my pants. I've made a few friends, had some hot lovers. In a nutshell, it has been a roller coaster of crazy. 

Eventually, I slowed down on the online dating. This doesn't mean I took down the dating profiles, I just started focusing on myself more than men. In the last 3 years, I have lost about 80 lbs. I blossomed from a multiple time college dropout to a straight A-honor society member- fancy Emmy scholarship winning- film nerd.  Mind you, I still don't quite have things figured out. Film is my passion, but not exactly an easy thing to break into, especially in Miami.  I  would still be considered a general fuck up in comparison to pretty much anyone else who has their shit together and doesn't live at home with their retired roommates (Cuban parents) or actually has a full time job... but I was never one to compare myself to everyone else. I am flying by the seat of my pants, and I love it. 

Enough about me. This blogging thing will combine my random observations and musings, after all, I am a story teller... but mostly it will probably be screenshots from the various dating sites I use. Online dating has turned from a last resort no man's land to a crazy hookup phenomenon where men feel they can hide behind their smartphones and computers and get away with saying pretty much anything. I've suspected for quite some time that I attract crazy or bring it out in people. I've been posting screenshots on my FB for a while for the amusement of my friends. (Sorry guys, I will be recycling some... but don't worry, I have tons of new stuff too.) Sometimes I pick fights and argue with their nonsense (I suspect this may be when I am ovulating, feeling extra hostile, or just wanna be a bitch, LOL). Other times, the messages are enough to stand alone. I mostly try to cover their faces or identifiable information... unless they are extra ridiculous. 

I've never blogged. I have no idea what I am doing. I tend to over think things, to the point that I never get things started, so I am just gonna let it rip.  I'm sure I will figure it out as I go :) (Thank god for the "edit" feature!)

And now, for the first screenshot, from the guy that helped convince me to get this thing finally started: